


Once You Burn Your Bridges, You Can't Ever Cross the River Again

by HighlyOpinionatedNerd



Category: Gintama
Genre: F/M, I used the aged-up designs from the movie, it ended up being really short...but I wanted to share it anyway, set about six or seven years post-canon I guess, that's literally all there is to say about it, this is nothing but breakup angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-04
Updated: 2017-11-04
Packaged: 2019-01-29 12:38:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12631233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HighlyOpinionatedNerd/pseuds/HighlyOpinionatedNerd
Summary: Letting her go was the worst mistake of Okita's life.





	Once You Burn Your Bridges, You Can't Ever Cross the River Again

**Author's Note:**

> Loosely based on the song Fourth of July, by Fall Out Boy.

“Kondo-san,” Okita said, knocking on Kondo’s open door and sticking his head inside the Shinsengumi Captain’s office. “I’ve got those reports you wanted.”

“Oh, thanks Sougo.” Kondo looked up from whatever he was working on and reached out to take the papers Okita offered him.

“Need anything else?”

“Nope, not right now. Enjoy your night off, Sougo.”

“Night off?” Okita blinked. “Wait, I thought I was scheduled to patrol the festival tonight.”

“Yamazaki told me you didn’t like the festival,” Kondo said, taking his eyes off the reports Okita had delivered and frowning confusedly at him. “I thought I changed the schedule.”

“Well, I haven’t checked it that recently.”

“Sougou, I’m not going to make you work the festival if you don’t want to. We have more than enough people to handle it, so you don’t have to worry about it, really.”

“Well, ok. If you say so, Kondo-san. I’ll see you tomorrow, then.”

“Sure. See you tomorrow, Sougo.”

Okita turned and walked out of Kondo’s office, wondering if he should be mad at Yamazaki. It was true, he did hate the festival….but he didn’t like the thought of everyone knowing that, or of Yamazaki meddling in his business. 

It didn’t really matter, he decided. He would just be grateful for the night off. He would stay home and not even think about it, and everything would be fine.

 

Every year in the early summer, Edo threw itself a party. A festival. Some of the preparations begin as early as two weeks in advance, which was plenty of time for most people to get excited for the festivities and make plans to attend.

No one really knew what they were supposed to be celebrating. The original purpose of the summer festival had been lost a long time ago, probably sometime during the Joui war. But the tradition had continued nonetheless. The people of Edo didn’t need a reason to celebrate, just an excuse.

For Okita, the whole thing had become sort of a reminder of mistakes he’d made in the past. Stuff he didn’t really like to think about. Stuff he normally tried his best to ignore and pretend didn’t exist at all.

He went anyway. He just couldn’t seem to keep himself away.

He wore his civilian clothes and paid a man behind a booth a couple of yen for a cheap plastic mask. He moved through the noisy crowds and the brightly lit streets like a ghost.

Kagura was there. Of course she was. He had expected her to be there. But when he caught the first glimpse of her down the street, it still came as a shock, knocking the breath out of him.

She was surrounded by a group of her friends, all talking and laughing freely. The princess Shoyo was with them this year. Kagura stood next to her and looked no less resplendent, no less beautiful.

Okita hurriedly turned and walked back the way he had come. He didn’t want her to see him. Well, no, that was a lie. He did, but not like this. Not when she was so happy and full of life and he was miserable. 

Not like this.

 

There was a tall building nearby with roof access. There was a sign on the door that said ‘restricted,’ but Okita had never paid any attention to that. After all, this was the best spot to watch the fireworks from.

He took off his mask and sat on the edge of the roof and let his feet dangle over the edge, looking down at the festival below him. From this high up, the people looked like dressed-up dolls, and the flashing lights of the neon signs almost looked like fireflies.

This was where it had all started for the two of them. Two years ago, he had grabbed her hand, pulled her away from her friends and kissed her behind one of the food stands. She had wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him back. Later they had snuck up here together and she had asked him if he was going to ask her out or what. He’d smiled. _”If I did, would you say yes?” “I don’t know. Why don’t you ask me already, and we’ll find out.”_

It had lasted nearly ten months between them. And it had been amazing. But the end had been sudden and messy. Their end had been screaming and crying and had left them both heartbroken and alone.

Behind him, he heard the door open and then the sound of soft footsteps approaching. He didn’t bother turning around. There was only one person it could be.

“I thought I saw you earlier. What’s up with that silly mask?”

“This a restricted area, you know.”

“Oh, please,” Kagura said, approaching and sitting down next to him. “If you cared about that, you wouldn’t be up here Besides, this is the best place to watch the fireworks, right?”

“Yeah. It is.”

“Your hair looks silly, too,” she told him matter-of-factly, idly kicking her legs off the edge of the rooftop. “It’s too long. Are you going to leave it like that?”

“There’s nothing wrong with my hair.”

“It looks like you got to lazy to keep cutting it, and then started tying it back when it started to get annoying.”

Okita sighed inwardly. He was like a goddamn open book to her. He always had been.

“If you’re going to keep it that long, you have to take better care of it.”

“Is this really what you came all the way up here to talk about? My hair?”

“Well, what else am I supposed to do? You’ve been avoiding me. I don’t know what’s going on with you anymore.”

“I haven’t been avoiding you.”

“Yes, you have! We haven’t talked in months!”

“Tch.” Okita leaned back, bracing his palms against the rough concrete rooftop and turning his face away from her. The thing about Kagura was that she was always utterly convinced that she was right, which made it really hard to argue with her. 

It was even harder was when she actually was right.

“Sougo, look at me,” she said, leaning closer, ready to grab him if he chose to ignore her. 

He looked at her. It was never a good idea to give her a reason to put her hands on him. He had learned that lesson a long time ago.

She locked her gaze with his and stared at him intently. “I’m worried about you,” she said quietly. 

“Well, you shouldn’t be,” Okita said. “I’m fine.”

“You’re not fine, Sougo. You haven’t been acting yourself. Surely even some of the other Shinsengumi have started to notice it by now.”

“I’m _fine_ , Kagura.”

“Don’t lie to me,” she snapped. She reached out a hand and he winced, but she didn’t move to strike him. Just put her hand on the side of his face and brushed some of his bangs away from his face.

“I’m worried about you,” she repeated. There was genuine concern on her face, and it made him feel awful.

Okita _knew_ her. He probably knew her better than anyone else. He knew the way she bared her teeth like a dog when she was angry, and the way she tapped her fingers when she was feeling impatient. He knew how her eyes lit up when she smiled.

He had seen her put her face in her hands and sob, looking small and vulnerable, her shoulders shaking as if the tears would never stop. He had seen her standing victorious and alone on a battlefield, licking blood from her lips and staring mercilessly down at her fallen opponents. He had seen her in the light of dawn, her bare skin pale and smooth as silk, her body relaxed and pressed up against his own.

He had never wanted to hurt her. Not her, never her. But something had gone wrong between them. Even after all this time he still wasn’t sure what it was.

He remembered the very moment she had given up on him, given up on fixing whatever they had once had. She’d stopped shouting and gone quiet, her face in her hands. _“I’m sorry, Sougo. I just can’t take any more of this. I’m sorry._ And she’d walked away from him, looking so incredibly sad and hurt and lonely. And it was his fault. It was all his fault.

He had never meant to hurt her. He had wanted to go after her and beg her to stay, but he knew then that he would only be causing her more pain. She would be better off without him. So he’d let her go.

He’d thought that if he stayed away from her, she would be ok. But here she was, still worrying about him, even when he tried keeping his distance. It wasn’t fair. He didn’t know what to do.

“Kagura, you don’t have to worry about me.” He prayed his voice wouldn’t crack and give him away. “I’m ok, really. It’s just, it’s been really busy recently. That’s all.”

She didn’t totally believe him- he could see it in her eyes- but she nodded and let go of him. 

They were quiet for a minute, staring down at the bright lights and smiling faces on the street, each lost in their own thoughts.

“My first year on Earth, I begged Gin-chan to take me to this festival,” Kagura said, smiling wistfully. “He said no, he said he didn’t have the money. And he was right, but now I think that he was probably trying to give me time to adjust.”

“What, the Yato don’t have summer festivals?”

“Mm-mm. At least, not that I know of. The Yato are much more...solitary, I guess. It did take me a little while to get used to Earth.”

“I remember you back then.” Okita chuckled involuntarily. “You broke my leg once, remember?”

“The way I remember it, you broke my wrist first.”

“I didn’t break it!”

“Yes you did, Sougo, and you know you deserved that broken leg.”

With every fiber of his being he wanted her to be happy, to see her move on and live her life. He didn’t think he’d ever wanted anything more. But somehow, it still hurt when he saw her smile. It _ached_ deep in his chest and made it hard to breathe.

He was wracking his brain trying to think of a way to tell her how he felt, but before he could come up with anything, she stood, dusting off her yukata and tossing her hair over her shoulder.

“Well, I should get going.”

“You’re not staying for the fireworks?”

“This may be the best place to watch from, but I’d prefer watching from the street with my friends any day. What’s the experience worth if you can’t share it, yeah?”

“Hmph.”

“You can join us if you want. There’s always room for one more.”

“No, you go. You guys have fun.”

“Well, ok.” She turned to go, but hesitated and looked back. “Maybe you won’t believe me when I say this, but I only want the best for you, Sougo.”

“What if…”

“What is it?”

_What if you are the best. What if I don’t want anyone else. What if I asked you to give me a second chance._

“...Nothing. Have a good night.”

“Yeah, you too.”

He waited until he heard the door close behind her, then put his face in his hands, biting his lip hard. His chest hurt. He was still in love with her after all. And she had moved on and he didn’t deserve her but he loved her and it hurt so badly.

The fireworks display started a few minutes later. Okita didn’t really pay it that much attention. 

It wasn’t really worth watching alone anyway.

**Author's Note:**

> Mmmm I really like Okita/Kagura but... I can't really see their relationship working out very well. Maybe it could work if they were both a little more mature, a little more open with each other, but somehow when I try to think about the two of them being together, the only thing my brain gives me is "live fast, die young." Sorry for not writing a happier story, and thanks for reading.


End file.
